Well, most of us have heard of the "F" word and even the "L" word but you might be wondering, what is the "H" word? Well, for me, it's happiness. Lately, I've found myself pondering what happiness means to me. Yes, there's a definition out there but I think most of us can agree that happiness means different things to different people. I used to think being a certain weight would make me happy. And that being a certain weight would bring X, Y, and Z and all those together would equal happiness. Boy, was I wrong.
I guess I should take a minute here and warn you, my dear reader (how few of you there are), and say this won't be the happiest of posts. But I never promised sunshine and rainbows, just reality. Sadly, my reality is currently grim. Grim in the sense that if you were to ask me what would make me happy, I don't know that I'd be able to give you an answer. Every answer that jumps to mind are outward things that I've tried obtaining or accomplishing only to find that inside, I still felt a void. For example, being smaller. Having a boyfriend. Making more money at my job (or, better yet, having a different job). Being debt-free. Well, I tried being smaller...and that didn't give me the happiness (or the relationship) I craved. Making more money? Well, that would certainly give me more choices but would it buy me happiness? I don't think so. To quote a famous rapper, "mo' money, mo' problems." Though I wouldn't mind testing out that theory myself, lol. Debt-free? Oh, that would be nice. I'd certainly have more financial freedom to travel, for example. Traveling makes me happy but alas, it may be a temporary high since I'd eventually have to return to my reality.
My goal is to be happy in my current state. In my all physical and financial glory. To accept myself. I guess that's what would make me happy. To look in the mirror and not think of every thing I DON'T have but to relish in what I do have. Outside of needing to lose weight, I am relatively healthy (although, I'm not fooling myself into thinking that will always be the case if I don't make some changes). I have a roof over my head, family and friends that love and care for me, a job that allows me to pay the bills with some money to spare, two lovable bets (as much as they can be a pain in my ass sometimes, lol), a car that gets me from Point A to Point B without issues, I've seen places other people have dreamed about, and of course, all the little things like being able to see, hear, walk, talk, and just be independent.
So why aren't I happy? I think it's just easy for us to focus on the negative. Well, it's easy for me. Negative self-talk? I've got that down! Positive affirmations? Hmmm...let me work on those. It's possible I judge myself harsher than anyone else ever could or does and I wish that weren't the case. You may be thinking, well, just change your way of thinking! I'd like to tell you it's that easy but just as these bad habits didn't form overnight, good ones also don't. It has to be a conscious effort on my part and I must admit, I have a terrible habit of getting into prolonged lazy spells (currently in one now, hence my long overdue blog post). Yes...I am my own worst enemy. All I can say is I never completely give up. Maybe it looks that way but inside, I am fighting a constant battle and that's got to count for something, right? Good triumphs over evil and all that? Let's hope so. Finally writing this blog entry is certainly a step in the right direction...
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